Guide for Losers

I don’t know about you but trying to cope without the holiday season is like that ridiculous itch I get in my ass. I got that shit right now.

Recommendation for reading this: Open this and then continue on… []D[][]v[][]D

So I decided to write for the singles out there.  The ones that were disgusted looking at couples kiss during New Years while swallowing back down your own vomit.  Okay, it wasn’t that bad, but it did suck like shit.  It’s not bad being single… but when the moment comes, it sucks like shit.

First of all, if you believe that each person has that one specific soul mate in this world, then that’s your belief and you are retarded you should probably stop reading.  I thank you for stopping by, but you must leave.  But seriously, how do you find that special someone a soul mate?  And by soul mate, I simply mean that one person that you can spend the rest of your life with, which could be more than just that one person.  I can really describe what I mean by that but – com’on dumbass man – ya’ll know what I mean.  I’m obviously not an expert, but I’ve devised a set of instructions that your dumb ass you can follow.  If you’re single, you must read on.  If you’re single and over 30, stop reading and go on craigslist.com eHarmony.com.  I call this… 

HOW TO BE A PLAYER LOVER

Step 1 – Reconnaissance.  Everyone should be an expert at this very first step.  Scouting your soul mate.  This is where you, as the prey, become the stalker and innocently stare/follow the shit out of your victim.  Cyber-recon is not cool; that’s just creepy stalker status.  But this is where you explore, survey and collect information and place your victim in your hit list.

Step 2 – Booby-trap.  This is the step where you innocently fool your victim into meeting you; not you meeting the victim.  (Ladies, you can skip this step.  Your booby-trap would be to approach a dude and rub his head.  If he’s really into his hair, he’s probably gay).  Anyways… It’s merely impossible to just walk up to that person and introduce yourself, so this set-up would ease the problem a little bit.  How sophisticated you set this booby-trap depends on your creativity as a person.  I would guess that you are with some sort of friend so using them, as a wingman/wingwoman, would definitely mitigate the traces of your trails.

Step 3 – Grow some balls (Girls, grow some breasts).  This third step is literally your third step in ‘real’ life, and – no shit – the most important.  Most people would take the first two steps forwards while the third step goes awkwardly crooked back to their grave.  There is no easy way out of this… you have too meet the person!  Remember, your recon skills are probably shitty so not every victim on your hit list will be the perfect mate.  This probably takes awhile before you find your kind.

Step 4 – Wax your balls.  This is the step where you polish what you have done.  This is actually the easy step.  You’ve done the hard work by reeling that person in your life, now it’s your job to not mess it up.  If it means to change a few things, it’s all right.  I know changing is not conventional, but in some ways it is necessary.  For example: hygiene properly, keep your place clean, hide your personals that you normally display, and even as much as I hate saying this… don’t play Black Ops when he’s there (you girls know who you are). 

Step 5 – Solitary.  This is the very last step; the hardest step to accomplish.  I don’t recommend this for the weak-hearted people like me but if you want to test your true soul mate, this step is the ultimate test.  Simply… leave.  I know this is the dumbest shit in the world retarded  but it is the only way.  ‘You want to give your soul mate a taste of what it feels like to have a life without you’.  I never said run off, but more of some time apart.  If they can live with it, then you saved a lot of time and money in your investment.  And if they can’t, then you’ve got yourself one hell of a kind.

The last thing I’d request is for you is to be a bona fide prey.  

Thanks for reading and wasting your goddamn time. Payce!